Confusion II
by RainWillMakeTheFlowersGrow
Summary: A book, a musical, and a movie all walk into a bar...
1. Chapter 1

_(MARIUS and COSETTE are strolling down the street. It is the year sometime-after-1833, and they are still rather sad about JVJ's death. Suddenly...)_

MARIUS: Cosette, Cosette!

COSETTE: I SAW YOU WAITING AND I KNEW-

MARIUS: Cosette. Not now. I think I see dead people.

COSETTE: Dear oh dear.

MARIUS: They're in that bar over there! _(points) _Enjolras and Éponine and your father and-

COSETTE: DADDY?

_(COSETTE rushes across the street, accidentally causing a large accident in the middle of the street and into the bar. MARIUS tries to follow, but he trips over a horse's reins. After a short comical sequence in which the horse chases him around the square, he finally reaches the other side of the street.)_

MARIUS: _(pushing open the door to the bar)_ Cosette, darling?

_(COSETTE is talking to three men. One of them has snow-white hair and the other two have gray, and they all appear to be greatly confused. I will go ahead and identify them as they are, which is COLM VALCOLM, JEAN THE JACKMAN, and MONSIEUR LEBLANC.)_

COSETTE: I have _three _daddies now! This is amazing!

MONSIEUR LEBLANC: Cosette, my darling!

_(they embrace)_

JEAN THE JACKMAN: _(to COLM VALCOLM_) Are you _sure_ you're not related to Bishop Myriel?

COLM VALCOLM: Only as a brother in the faith, Monsieur.

MARIUS: Cosette?

COSETTE: Marius! Daddy is alive! Three of him, actually.

MARIUS: _(looking at the Valjeans)_ But...which one of them is your real father?

COSETTE: I'm pretty sure _(points at MONSIEUR LEBLANC)_ it's this one. But they're all awfully similar to him.

MARIUS: _(falls to his knees before MONSIEUR LEBLANC)_ Monsieur, Monsieur! You must forgive me for the offense I committed against you! But no! Truly, I do not deserve forgiveness! You must instead allow me to serve you every day for the rest of my life! I'll walk your dog, wash your car-

MONSIEUR LEBLANC: There, there. It's all right, my son.

MARIUS: _(remains in the same position) _Never! It will never be all right!

JEAN THE JACKMAN: But-

MARIUS: _(turning to him)_ And you too! You, too, appear to be my late father-in-law! And that may have been the strangest sentence I've ever said! I'll serve you for the rest of my life too!

COLM VALCOLM: But surely-

MARIUS: And you, sir! I pledge the rest of my life to each of you.

COSETTE: Marius, darling, do your math a little better. _(to the trio of JVJs)_ But I'm dreadfully confused about who all of you are...

JEAN THE JACKMAN AND COLM VALCOLM: WHOOOOOOO AM IIIIIIIIIII? 2-4-6-0-OOOOOONE! _(they rip their shirts open to reveal the numbers on their chests. Soon, a pair of security guards come and throw the pair out of the bar for public nudity.)_

COSETTE: In retrospect, considering the amount of time he spent singing that song, I probably should've seen that coming. Well, at least now I don't have to worry about who to talk to, it's the guy with...white hair...where did he go?

_(unbeknownst to COSETTE and MARIUS, MONSIEUR LEBLANC saw a few starving children and went off to feed them. Besides, he still doesn't consider himself worthy of life with COSETTE. COSETTE and MARIUS mourn this for a few minutes. Suddenly, another man comes into the bar. He is middle-aged and extremely angry-looking. He comes, scowling over to COSETTE and MARIUS.)_

MAN: _(to Cosette)_ You little slut! Still hanging around that revolutionary, I see! God, I'm glad that policeman killed himself so I can pursue my own life and not have to hang around with_ you _anymore. _(he slaps her across the face_)Now I'm leaving! I never want to freaking see you again! _(he storms out the door.)_

MARIUS: _(starts to follow) _How dare he insult you, Cosette! I'm going to go teach him a lesson!

COSETTE: No, Marius, it's okay...it was just Daddy again...

MARIUS: It was?

COSETTE: Yes...

MARIUS: You're sure?

COSETTE: Yeah...'98. _(shivers)_

MARIUS: All right then...

COSETTE: Yep.

MARIUS: Wait! I just remembered I saw several of my friends here earlier, in addition to your father...fathers!

COSETTE: I thought you only had that one friend.

MARIUS: Well, I saw several _acquaintances_.

COSETTE: Let's go find them!

**NEXT CHAPTER: Enjolras harasses Marius and Grantaire bludgeons himself-with-a-mustache into oblivion with a wine bottle. Do you want to read it? Yes. Yes you do. So review and tell me exactly _how_ confused you are right now.**


	2. Chapter 2

_(Three men are conversing at a bar. Two of them have pretty golden curls, and the other has black hair and a sexy red vest. One of the blonds, AARONJOLRAS, is staring around imposingly, while the second, whom we shall call APOLLO, is writing a pamphlet. The black-haired man, ENJOLRAMIN, is trying to convince some BYSTANDERS to join a revolution with the powers of his sexy vest.)_

ENJOLRAMIN: WILL YOU JOIN IN OUR CRUSADE?

BYSTANDER #1: This is awkward...I really don't think I can...

MARIUS: Enjolras? Is that you? There's three of you again...is this a dream? But if I'm recognizing that it's a dream, that means it's one of those lucid dreams! Ominapoleon! That means I can control what happens, right! I wanna try flying! I believe I can fly!

_(MARIUS starts flailing his arms around, trying to fly. ENJOLRAMIN stares at him for a while. APOLLO glances up for a second, sees Marius, rolls his eyes, and goes back to writing his pamphlet. AARONJOLRAS sighs.)_

AARONJOLRAS: Marius?

MARIUS: Yeah?

AARONJOLRAS: NO ONE CARES ABOUT YOUR LONELY SOUL!

ENJOLRAMIN: YEAH!

MARIUS: _(sniffle) _Cosette, Enjolras is being mean to me! Even though it's my dream and I can control what happens!

COSETTE: Marius, this isn't a dream.

MARIUS: How do you know?

COSETTE: You never have a dream where Napoleon doesn't show up.

MARIUS: ...oh. You're right. _(to the Enjolrati)_ All right, what's going on here?

ENJOLRAMIN: I don't know...I don't know even where we are...BUT IF THIS IS THE NATIONAL GUARD'S FAULT, THEY'RE GONNA PAY!

APOLLO: It is proper that we should know where we stand and on whom we may count. If combatants are required, they must be provided. It can do no harm to have something with which to strike. Passers-by always have more chance of being gored when there are bulls on the road than when there are none. Let us, therefore, reckon a little on the herd. How many of us are there? There is no question of postponing this task until to-morrow. Revolutionists should always be hurried; progress has no time to lose. Let us mistrust the unexpected. Let us not be caught unprepared. We must go over all the seams that we have made and see whether they hold fast. This business ought to be concluded to-day. Courfeyrac, you will see the polytechnic students-

AARONJOLRAS: Courfeyrac isn't here today...he's hanging out with his little friend Gavroche...

ENJOLRAMIN: I thought Gavroche was Grantaire's buddy?

_(Suddenly, another trio of men run into the room. The first is terribly ugly and his name is simply WINECASK. The second is terribly handsome and his name is BLAGTAIRE. The third is the most amazing thing on the planet. Though he is known to the AUTHORESS as HAAAAAAAAADDDLEEEEEEEEY, we shall call him F**R**ASER. They are being chased by NATIONAL GUARDSMAN WITH A MUSTACHE, who is also the most amazing thing on the planet.__)_

F**R**ASER: ENJY SAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAVE ME

ENJOLRAMIN: Why?

F**R**ASER: HE'S GOING TO KILL ME

ENJOLRAMIN: That's too bad...

F**R**ASER: Wait, I think I can get it... _(he turns and smashes his bottle against the head of NATIONAL GUARDSMAN WITH A MUSTACHE.) _DIE!

NATIONAL GUARDSMAN WITH A MUSTACHE: Ow. _(He falls unconscious.)_

ENJOLRAMIN: Now, did you disturb me for a REASON, or can I go back to harassing these innocent bystanders?

F**R**ASER: Feel free. GARCON! YOUR FINEST BOTTLE, PLEASE!

BLAGTAIRE: MAKE THAT TWO!

WINECASK: MAKE THAT TWENTY!

EXTRA #5: Coming right up!

WINECASK: I am thirsty. Mortals, I am dreaming-

APOLLO: We don't need to hear that one again.

WINECASK: Hmph. _(he goes off into the corner and makes long, long lists of dead Greek people.)_

BLAGTAIRE: So, Enj, what're you working on? _(he sits down next to AARONJOLRAS.)_

AARONJOLRAS: Right now I'm just staring around imposingly waiting for a good opportunity to make a speech.

BLAGTAIRE: That's cool. I'll just stare at you longingly, waiting for a good opportunity to make a move.

AARONJOLRAS: ...what?

BLAGTAIRE: I said...um...hey, look, it's Marius! What's wrong today, Marius? You look as if you've seen a ghost!

MARIUS: I think I have...

APOLLO: HEY! WHAT'S-YOUR-NAME!

MARIUS: Yeah?

APOLLO: I finished this pamphlet. Can you translate it into English and German for me?

MARIUS: Seriously? You can remember the fact that I'm trilingual, but not my name?

APOLLO: Just do it...

MARIUS: Sigh. _(he sits down at the table with the pamphlet.) _Grumble...grumble...why does he need it in anything but French anyway...grumble...

_(Meanwhile, WINECASK, BLAGTAIRE, and F**R**ASER have gotten into a massive drinking contest. WINECASK is way ahead of the others, but this just makes them more eager to beat him. APOLLO, AARONJOLRAS, and ENJOLRAMIN just roll their eyes.)_

COSETTE: So...you three are into the Republic?

_(Suddenly, a treble shriek of 'MONSIEUR MARIUS!' is heard across the room. Marius, recognizing the voice, attempts to hide under the table.)_

NEXT CHAPTER: Éponine harasses Marius and there is a brief encounter of the Thenardier kind.


	3. Chapter 3

COSETTE: ...Marius? Are you all right?

MARIUS: HIDE ME

COSETTE: From what?

MARIUS: From _(shudders) her._

COSETTE: From who_?_

MARIUS: _Her_.

COSETTE: From _who?_

VOICE: MARIUS! HI!

MARIUS: _(groans, then turns to face the VOICE and smiles) _Hi, Éponine! It's great to see you!

_(COSETTE turns and sees a girl with auburn hair who is dressed in rags. She appears to be slightly insane, and she is awesome. The name she is currently going by is the JONDRETTE GIRL, so we'll call her that.)_

JONDRETTE GIRL: Marius! I've been looking _everywhere _for you! I want to tell you about this job my father and I-_(notices Cosette and scowls.)_ What is _she_ doing here?

MARIUS: _(cringes)_ We...uh...gotmarriedlastyear...

JONDRETTE GIRL: _(gasps) _You didn't! Without me?

COSETTE: _(brightly)_ Oh, did you want to be invited? You should have told me you had such a lovely friend, Marius! What's your name?

JONDRETTE GIRL: _(dreamy sigh) _Mrs. Pontmercy. That's what I write I all over my imaginary schoolbooks, anyway.

COSETTE: No, _my_ name is Mrs. Pontmercy. Sorry.

MARIUS: Her name is Éponine, Cosette.

VOICE: Yes?

OTHER VOICE: Yes?

_(Two more girls are standing behind MARIUS. They are currently going by the BARKS GIRL and the SALONGA GIRL.)_

SALONGA GIRL: OMG MARIUS!

BARKS GIRL: IT'S YOU!

SALONGA GIRL: WE'VE BEEN LOOKING EVERYWHERE FOR YOU!

_(MARIUS, horrified at being surrounded by this motley crew of Éponines, shrinks backward.)_

MARIUS: Hi, Éponine...and Éponine...I was just talking to Éponine here...

BARKS GIRL: Wait..._(notices Cosette and scowls) _what's _she _doing here?

MARIUS: Déjà vu...um, we're married.

SALONGA GIRL: You are?

MARIUS: Yeah...we got married last February...and we've been almost sickeningly happy ever since...

SALONGA GIRL: I don't suppose you're the type to cheat on your wife, are you?

MARIUS: Uh, _no._

SALONGA GIRL: Dang.

BARKS GIRL: *sniffle* *sob* *bawl* MARIUS GOT MAAAAAAAAAAAAARRIED...WHY, GOD, WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY?

SALONGA GIRL: You're always whining, Éponine...be quiet.

BARKS GIRL: No, you be quiet, Éponine!

SALONGA GIRL: Oh no you di-in't!

_(An interesting sort of catfight ensues. Untidy hair is pulled and untidy nails scratch smudged faces. The JONDRETTE GIRL, grinning a gap-toothed smile, enthusiastically cheers both on. MARIUS and COSETTE are able to edge away in the middle.)_

MARIUS: That was weird.

COSETTE: Agreed.

MARIUS: Are you quite sure this isn't a dream, Cosette? _(glances furtively around for NAPOLEON.)_

COSETTE: I don't know...

MARIUS: Should I try the flying thing again? Then we would know for sure.

COSETTE: Uh, no. Let's just...wait and see.

_(The SALONGA GIRL is winning the fight against the BARKS GIRL. The BARKS GIRL sits down and begins to cry.)_

BARKS GIRL: I just..._(sob)_...wanted..._(sob)..._Marius to love me! And for him to whisk me away to his magical palace and for us to have millions of babies named Marius Jr and two pet unicorns! Was that really so much to ask?

SALONGA GIRL: No, _I'm_ going to live in Marius' magical palace with him! So you can just shut up, you little-

JONDRETTE GIRL: Um, I'm obviously the one Marius is meant to be with. I mean, we lived next door to each other! Both him and my father were Bonapartists! We both had an _i_ in our first names! We were PERFECT for one another!

_(Another fight would no doubt ensue but for the arrival of three pairs of shady-looking individuals. The first consists of a bearded woman and a ratlike man, the second of a fat, almost jolly man and woman, and the third of a strangely beautiful couple.)_

SALONGA GIRL: Great. My parents are here to pick me up. This isn't embarrassing at all.

JONDRETTE GIRL: Well, it was lovely getting to know you all today. _(She runs over to MARIUS and, before he can react, gives him a huge kiss on the lips, then dashes away.) _Bye, all!

COSETTE: Is there something you want to tell me, Marius?

MARIUS: Can we just leave? This is getting really weird...

_But will I let them leave? Of course not._

Next Chapter: Javert harasses Marius and the lawrrrrrrr is mocked.


	4. Chapter 4

_Thank you so much for all of the reviews, follows, and favorites! I think this is the greatest response I've ever gotten to a story! Sorry for the short chapter..._

_-Psycho_

* * *

_(Yet another trio comes into the bar. Two of them have awesome fuzzy sideburns and their names are INSPECTOR QUAST and SNOOKUMS*. The third is not quite as awesome, and his name is CROWVERT.)_

SNOOKUMS: You! Dolt-of-a-lawyer!

MARIUS: NO! HAVE ALL THE DEMONS IN HELL COME TO TORMENT ME?

COSETTE: Omigod! Do you like Sweeney Todd too?

MARIUS: I do! I just never mentioned it to you because I thought you would think it was disgusting!

COSETTE: Are you kidding? That's like my third-favorite musical!

MARIUS: Mine too!

_(They high-five)_

SNOOKUMS: _(clears his throat) _Ahem. I am here to reclaim the pistols I lent you.

MARIUS: That was, like, three years ago. I don't have them anymore.

SNOOKUMS: Excuse me?

MARIUS: You heard me. Now get out of my face, my wife and I are bonding.

INSPECTOR QUAST: Hey! Don't mock the lawrrrrr!

MARIUS: The lawrrrrr?

CROWVERT: The lawrrrrr. Don't mock it.

COSETTE: We can't mock the lawrrrrrr? I want to mock the lawrrrrr.

MARIUS: So do I! Lawrrrrr.

COSETTE: Lawrrrrrrr!

MARIUS: Lawrrrrrrrrrrrrr!

COSETTE: Lawrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!

MARIUS: Lawrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!

INSPECTOR QUAST: STOP MOCKING THE LAWRRRRR!

CROWVERT: YEAH!

SNOOKUMS: I don't know. I'll mock the lawrrrrrrrr. Seriously, men, you can't handle the pronounciation of three-letter words? Why did I hire you?

CROWVERT: You didn't hire us!

INSPECTOR QUAST: And it's not like _you're _so clever. You're the one who can't tell a three-letter word from an eight-letter one. LAWRRRRR. L-A-W-R-R-R-R-R. Eight letters.

SNOOKUMS: _(facepalms, then turns back to MARIUS) _You're going to have to pay me back for those pistols, boy.

MARIUS: Sure! I carry millions of francs around in my pocket now. Take a few thousand.

SNOOKUMS: No, that wouldn't be just.

MARIUS: Just?

SNOOKUMS: Justice. Justice is the MOST IMPORTANT THING EVAAAAAAAAH

CROWVERT & INSPECTOR QUAST: _(cheer)_

MARIUS: Do you ever temper justice with mercy?

SNOOKUMS: _(glare)_ Take the rest of this money back, boy.

MARIUS: If you say so...

*For those who don't know, an old fandom nickname for Javert.

NEXT CHAPTER: Fantine harasses Marius and...uh...I dunno. I'll think of something.


End file.
